A Lose-Lose Situation

I’ve been in a hazy fog all day. And I don’t mean from the East Texas wildfires. From shock, I think, and depression. From realization and decision and finality.This fog is so thick that I nearly ran into a bookcase in front of all my high schoolers today trying to open the door. FYI: standard bookcases cannot be opened.

I pulled Javan out of school today. It isn’t working. I chose this small private school after much prayer and careful deliberation. I chose it because it doesn’t have soooo many kids, it doesn’t have such strict rules (i.e. keep your shoes on all day, bubbles and duck tails, stay right-side-up during the lessons, etc.). I thought it would be much less overstimulating. Plus, I am teaching there this year, so I’d be on hand if an emergency situation arose. Unfortunately, most of the eight days he spent there was one huge emergency situation. Always hitting, growling, throwing, angry. So angry.

First thing this morning, his phonics teacher, who has 12+ years of experience teaching special needs children and who loves Javan dearly and understands that he doesn’t want to be this way, asked me if I could take over the phonics portion of the kindergarten class while she took over my junior high class. She has worked with me on coming up with ideas and plans of action to help Javan in the classroom for about a month now. Since well before school started. And she came to me with a tender heart, tearful eyes, and a look of utter hopelessness. She doesn’t know what to do with him. Or how to teach the other children while controlling his behavior, much less teach him anything.

About 10 minutes later, my first kindergarten student arrived. He is normally such a happy, independent, well-mannered, excited-about-school, ready-to-learn kid. Not this morning. Although Javan was curled up in a blanket on the far side of the room sound asleep from the med changes we’re going through right now, this kid refused to let go of his grandma, refused to get more than 3 feet inside my room, cried his eyes out, and begged to go home. Because my kid was there, and he knew Javan would be mean. He knew what he was in for.

No one’s winning here. This is a lose-lose situation. I can’t relax. The teachers can’t teach. The students (including my own) can’t learn anything and are beginning to hate and fear school. So I pulled him out. I called an aunt and uncle who were thankfully able to come pick him up less than an hour after school had begun, and I finished my teaching day. In a foggy haze. Running into bookcases and looking blank and depleted. Tomorrow, I will keep him home. I left lesson plans for all my classes and I can’t be there for my students because I need to be here with my son.

The fun starts again Monday. I called the local private school that serves only children of special needs, be they dyslexic, ADD, autistic, whatever. I knew the prices. They are atrocious. Nauseating, really. And out of our range of budgeting magic. I set up a trial anyway. He will be going there for free this Monday and Tuesday to “see how the shoe fits.” I’m going there tomorrow to look around and observe for a few minutes. The teachers are all trained for special ed and the class sizes are 6-8 kids. Therapies are provided through the local public school. The things I’m most concerned about are that it is a uniform dress school and I’m worried Javan will find the polo’s scratchy and the shoes and belt cumbersome and that the school day is 8 hours long. Eight. Waaaaay too long for kindergartners. At least for my kindergartner.

I’m just going to have to put him through it for a while and then modify it if we need to. And I’m just going to have to trust that the Lord will provide a way for the finances to work themselves out. He has done it for us before, and He can do it again.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Querida Duncalfe
    Sep 09, 2011 @ 08:18:27

    Aw, Krista, I just wanna cry reading this. I know two people who have had experience with Crisman School. One lady works with Andrew and her grown son went there for many years and it was a very positive experience for both of them (I think he had/has ADHD). The other lady is currently a MOPS mom with her son going to Crisman. I’ve never heard her say anything negative about it, only heard her talk about fundraisers and stuff. I’m passing your email address on to her. Love and Hugs, Q


  2. Annie Olson
    Sep 09, 2011 @ 23:27:21

    We’re 100% supportive, Krista. This has been tough, tough, tough on all of you, but your tenacity in finding the right option for Javan WILL pay off!


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