I’m Tired

I’m so tired. Today was nervous breakdown day. I cried all through worship at church – for some reason when I’m hurting, that’s always the time the tears flow. It’s so hard, so hard, to accept and return God’s love during times when I don’t understand the trials I am enduring. Times when I feel like He’s just not interested in my family’s suffering. I didn’t sing today. I just sat and cried. God loves me. He loves my son and husband. I don’t know what He’s doing or if it even has a purpose, but I just know it hurts.

And today it broke me. The rages, the meltdowns, the pee accidents, the throwing of objects, the claws and teeth, the extreme defiance, they’re all back. I made an impromptu visit with the psychiatrist Thursday and just went in and silently laid a hand-written list on his desk. Granted, it was written on Hoppy Froggy paper that I use for my grocery lists, but the contents were not as uplifting. Increased aggression, increased hyperactivity, increased defiance, sudden extreme phobia of people with curly hair… More on that one later.

I can see the doctor getting frustrated. Nothing is working. I hope it doesn’t end the same way it did with the last psychiatrist who gave up on us. I don’t think it will. But I didn’t that time either. So we took him off the Strattera and started him on Kapvay, a chlonadine non-stimulant drug very similar to Intuniv, which didn’t work for him. I’m getting hopeless. Kapvay is a new medicine and there is a generic, but the doctor said it didn’t work as well. Does anyone have any experience with the generic? And does anyone know how to find out if a doctor is taking kick-backs from prescriptions for new drugs? I like him. I don’t want to not trust him. But the thought is there.

Back to the curly hair thing. WHAT? Can we get any more random, Child? I have no idea where it came from. I just started noticing about a month ago that he was getting really nervous around certain people at the store. At first I thought it was just black men, but that didn’t make sense. He knows black people he has no problem with. So then I wondered if it was just men. I eventually discovered that he was nervous around white people too, men and women both. But I couldn’t figure out what it was about them. They could be halfway across the store minding their own business and he’d flip out. True anxiety, the kind that makes you hide behind Mom, shaking, and refuse to let go of her shirt.

He was finally able to tell me it was…cue creepy music…curly hair. Oookkkkaaaayyyy. But he has been unable to tell me ANY reason why it bothers him. He doesn’t know anybody with curly hair that is mean or has ever done anything he didn’t like. He (nor I) can think of no cartoon, movie, or book characters with curly hair that he doesn’t like. When I ask him why, he just says, “It makes me nervous because I’m not used to it.” I thought I’d try a bit of gradual exposure therapy and start out with just looking at curly hair pictures on Google. Tayler SWIFT had him covering his face with anxiety. Good grief.

Last week, I was able to get him to talk to the curly-haired cashier at Wal-Mart by bribing him with a doughnut. He did nobly, considering that with my luck, I chose the rudest person in the world with which to try to show my son that curly haired people are just like everyone else. She didn’t respond to him, even though he tried three times to converse with her. No eye contact, smiles, nothing. Since I’d spent the entire time waiting in line convincing Javan that she was a child created by God and she deserves to have God’s love shown to her, I was narrowly able to bite my tongue so that instead of the “Spreken ze English?” that I wanted so badly to say, I just said, “Tough day?” She did admit to it being a tough day because she was tired and wanted to go home. And she was pregnant, which made it a little easier to accept her behavior, but she also was a mother, which made it a lot harder to forgive her for treating a child that way.

And now, back to me being tired. I’m soul tired. It is having physical ramifications. It has thrown me into total depression. And now, I’m going to complain. A lot. So feel free to stop reading how and save yourself from joining my pity party.

I’m tired of being hit.

I’m tired of that horrible reflex that happens every time I see that I might be about to get hit or kicked or thrown at, and the power that reflex gives him.

I’m tired of being humiliated in public.

I’m tired of not getting my errands done in public or at home due to my child’s behavior.

I’m tired of neighbors laughingly commenting that he get’s whatever he wants from Mom.

I’m tired of the neighbors seeing behaviors and circumstances that confirm their opinion.

I’m tired of knowing that as hard as I might try, I will yell at him tomorrow.

I’m tired of not having enough of me left for my husband.

I’m tired of being terrified to have another child because I know I can’t handle two like him.

I’m tired of being terrified not to have another child because I’ll never know what it’s like to enjoy being a mother.

I’m tired of not having any friends because those with children must protect their young, those without children would never in this world hang out with someone who would let their child act that way, and even if I can get away for a night I don’t have the emotional stability or energy to invest in relationships.

I’m tired of not being able to use the restroom without the door being banged on.

I’m tired of my home feeling like a prison.

I’m tired of needing breaks I can’t have.

I’m tired of the breaks I do get giving me only temporary, superficial relief and being just as lost, angry, frustrated, and hopeless within ten minutes of having him back again.

I’m tired of seeing his joy in bringing me pain. He really enjoys hurting, annoying, and angering me. He may regret it later, but at the time when he does it, for however long he does it, he likes it.

I’m tired of wondering if my child is evil, if he was born that way, and if he will always be that way no matter my efforts.

I’m tired of wondering if I’m evil for wondering that.

I’m tired of nothing working.

I’m tired of doctors.

I’m tired of medicine.

I’m tired of being unsuccessful.

I’m tired of wishing this wasn’t my life.

I’m tired.

I’m tired.

I’m tired.

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Vera
    Mar 04, 2012 @ 21:27:55

    awwwwwwwwww Krista 😦

    Reply

  2. Jessica
    Mar 04, 2012 @ 23:11:57

    you are a strong women, mom and wife. I never seen what you are going thru, but i can only imagine what you are. My kids on the daily drive me crazy, but when i ask them to chill out. they do but only for a short time. But to hear all your complaints makes me feel terriable for thinking they drive me crazy. Im sorry that you are having to go thru this and i know the Lord gave you Javan for a reason. Im not sure what else i can say except for please just hang in there. Praying for you Krista. I love you! You are Strong, Needed and Beautiful!

    Reply

    • bipolaraspiemom
      Mar 05, 2012 @ 07:24:31

      Thank you, Jessica. And don’t feel bad for your kids driving you crazy…they do it to every Mom! Thank you for that last line…it made me laugh because it made me think of “The Help” and it made me cry because those words were needed and I love you.

      Reply

  3. Ruthie
    Mar 05, 2012 @ 08:52:32

    You can do this. I know right now it doesn’t feel that way right now, but you will get thru this. And it can get better, but it is not the short road you travel. I am sure you feel like Job right now but remember thru it all God was there with him and he is there with you.
    Have you tried the med Abilify? We did really well on that one for about a year and a half. It has side effects but was worth the time we had on it. Also Clonidine (not sure of the spelling), it is a Blood Pressure med, but in very small doses it also has a calming effect. We used it along with depakote. which worked for a time too.
    On the curly hair thing. We had a friend whose child hated smoking to the point of trying to attack anyone who was smoking or holding a cigarette, stranger or neighbor, didn’t matter. She grew out of it over time. She is an adult and lives somewhat independently now and also does some college classes.
    It does get better. You CAN do this.
    Might rethink school again. I had some really good experiences at Elementry, and it gave me some breathing room to deal with our child in the afternoons and weekends. You need a chance to recharge. School is a trade off sometimes but worth your health too. Think about it.
    Praying for all of you.
    Love Ruthie <

    Reply

  4. Michelle
    Mar 06, 2012 @ 13:24:19

    Lamantations 3: 22 – 23″ It is of the LORD’S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: Great is thy faithfulness. ”

    This has always been one of my favorite versus. It is wonderful that we can never use up His mercy and compassion because we have a new supply every day!

    Reply

  5. Joy
    Mar 12, 2012 @ 23:38:09

    I hear you about him enjoying making you mad. Sam is having trouble in school, and when asked why he said that doing something good makes him feel good now and later, and doing something bad makes him feel good now but not later. That gave me some perspective on why he behaves the way he does sometimes. I am thankful that we have an excellent motivator. He will do just about anything with a behavior chart and the promise of baseball.

    Have you done anything with a behavior specialist? It sounds like you could use some Positive Behavior Support techniques. If you want to give me a call sometime, I might be able to come up with some more resources. Just ask Juli for my number.

    I would love to talk to you about how I, as a teacher of children who have similar behaviors, could help the parents I work with. I would LOVE to educate the community more. As I think that the way parents are treated in public is as much of a source of stress as dealing with the behaviors is.

    I want you to know that some of us understand that permissiveness is not the cause of behaviors like this. It is hard to feel the brunt of behaviors and to also feel judgement. There is a book called No Fighting, No Biting, No Screaming. Also, there is one called The Explosive Child, which really helped me.

    Reply

    • bipolaraspiemom
      Mar 13, 2012 @ 07:33:46

      Hey Joy! Thanks for your understanding and support AND willingness to help. I have read the Explosive Child and really enjoyed it, although I need to reread it now that I get it! I may check into the other one~ if you have any online resources for the positive behavior support techniques, I’d love to learn them. It might help me to talk with you on the phone, but i will retain it better if I read it~ thanks again Joy! Love to you and yours.

      Reply

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