Ditches Upon Ditches

My throat hurts. Before you get all sympathetic, let me tell you. It’s from yelling. I am so sick of the disobedience and meanness and all kinds of other negatives. I called the psychiatrist yesterday and told him we want to take Javan off the Kapvay. It’s so sedating it’s ridiculous! He slept or watched movies ALL DAY. He didn’t want to do any of his favorite things. We know the Risperdal at least makes things “better,” but we’re tired of playing Russian roulette with whatever side medicine is next in line to help him be “good.” So the psychiatrist said we should take him down from 2 Kapvay to 1 a day for a few days and then we can stop giving it all together. Last night, I gave him just 1. His energy level was markedly improved today, although he still refused to go to the park to see the homeschool group kids.

The thing is, I know the Kapvay helps at least some, and that his behaviors will continue to get worse if we take him off it completely. But there’s really no “wow factor” with it either. He still hurts me and disobeys and runs and hides from people with curly hair. That phobia is getting more dominant and much, much more irritating. They’re everywhere! Is there some sort of straight hair community somewhere?

And, to show you that I am completely off my rocker, let me tell you my latest last-ditch effort to do something right. (Have you noticed there is never an actual last ditch? That implies that something worked. Well, people, there are ditches all over my world. There are ditches in the ditches!) I spent a large portion of today attempting to train our insane lab/retriever mix dog to sit, come, and heel. So he can be a service dog. An autism service dog. I know this is a bad idea because he is 2.5, never been trained in the least, and is terrified of people. He loves us dearly, but only us. If so much as one other person is in our home, he will cower in a corner until they’re gone. I have no idea what I’m doing. I think I know it won’t work, but at least I can survive with the illusion that I could be making some sort of progress.

Morton napped. Javan didn’t.

Stop yelling. I tell myself that every day. Others tell me that. Books, website, and Facebook status updates tell me that. But I still yell everyday, because guess what? There is no way I can deal with this. There is no calmer, more effective method of parenting that will work for us. And when I can’t take it anymore, I yell. I lose it. And the thing is, those books and websites never tell me what to do when I’ve tried everything else. They just say don’t yell.

I followed a link posted on Facebook by ScreamFree parenting. It was information about parent-child interaction therapy. Bingo! Yeah, it seems to only be available through the Child Mind Institute. In New York. And I’ve been trying and trying to find sensory integration therapy, behavior therapy, anything. I research it every single day. Well, folks, I either have to qualify for Medicaid or live in a huge city to get help. And don’t you think that living in a huge city seems like a great option for a kid with sensory issues, anxiety issues, and runs away from Mom in the store if so much as one curly hair shows its ugly little follicle?

I’m seriously considering putting him back into public school and insisting on a behavioral class setting (which they don’t even have here because this is not New York). He was too difficult for the special needs school to handle, but by law, a public school cannot refuse him. If he can’t get what he needs here, and obviously he can’t since I have no parenting tools left and I yell daily, then maybe he can get it there. And if not, then he can’t get it anywhere but at least I don’t have to deal with it all day every day. We had such terrible experiences with the public school here, I just don’t know what else I can do!


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Ruthie
    Mar 16, 2012 @ 00:29:05

    I have been where you are and know how I felt when it was happening. I am saying a prayer for all of you now. Some times just knowing someone else knew how stressed I was made it a little better inside. I hope this does that for you.
    I have a friend whose son is several years older then mine and we used to swap “war stories”. I would call her and say you won’t believe what my son did today, and then she would one-up me. Somehow knowing her son had survived and she was surviving too made me feel like there was hope out there, down the road. And there is hope. God has a plan. You just have to keep searching it out. There will be better days.

    About information, try

    The Emily Center at Phoenix Children’s Hospital
    1919 E. Thomas Road
    Phoenix, AZ 85016-7710
    Phone: (602) 933-1400
    Outside Metro Phoenix:
    (866) 933-6459
    E-mail: emilyc@phoenixchildrens.com
    Website: http://www.theemilycenter.com

    Online access to their catalog ~ Find out what books & videos we have from http://www.phxlib.org.

    This place gave me more information then I knew existed about whatever they said my child had or might have. Books and articles and everything they could find for me and things for my child to watch and read about what we were talking about too. They were started by a family who lost a child to a rare cancer and could not find anything written about it at the time to help them. It is a real blessing, and free.

    One therapist told us “You lose when you yell” I try to tell myself that when I am going over the edge and of course I want to “Win” so it sometimes helps me hold my tongue one or two seconds longer 🙂

    Again I will tell you…….
    You can do this. You are a good, caring Mom, and one day of raised voices does not a monster make. You love Javen and it shows in your writings and pictures. Keep up the good work. God is on your side and so am I.
    Ruthie <


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