Three Months of Random Ramblings

November

I found these garbled notes I had written way back in November, and didn’t want to throw them out…so here they are. I think I’ll follow it with mangled lists of things that have happened since…

A few brief examples of the high and low extremes our lives contain day to day, that might provide you with some insight as to why I’ve seemed muddled and confused as of late. I can’t seem to form coherent thoughts from my life, so here are some incoherent ones.

– My son creates his own reality, whereby he accuses a random teenage boy of stealing and sets out to beat him up.

-My family receives a compliment that our son seems like a perfectly normal kid and we work together well as parents.

-My son inserts the water hose into the living room, wedging its nozzle just inside the glass door so as to go unnoticed. I see and remove it just seconds before he turns the water on. He was trying to clean the house. He feels he would have deserved bonus points if the house had filled up with water.

– I feel that my son is getting behind in reading and math, to the degree that I don’t know whether to just do the first half of first grade again after Christmas or move on.

-On the other hand, it’s November, and he just finished first grade science and is eager to begin second grade science next week.

– I am hit with a heavy object flung across the room at me for the umpteenth time this week. The trigger: I was on the phone.

– My son bakes cookies in his play kitchen. So sweet. Until I realize that one of them is poisoned and is destined for the bad guy from Wild Kratts.

– We have Thanksgiving at our house and he does so surprisingly WONDERFUL! Even shared his playroom nicely (except for that once) with other children!

– I have no idea why the tv or xbox won’t turn on. Last week he disconnected the cable from the other room so all we got was static. This week, the power buttons don’t work. Hurry home, Honey.

– Javan finally learns to swing HIMSELF! It is so amazing watching all the bits and pieces of body movement come together in some form of coordination. I tear up.

December-January

-I get fed up with homeschooling through the computer and begin Christmas break early. Two weeks early.

– The Sandy Hook shootings happen and I hate myself for thinking of my son more like the shooter than the children hiding in their lockers.

-The world does not end.

-Christmas break is spectacular! He seems happier and more focused and, well, less annoying.

-My brother, sis-in-law, and their 5 month old baby girl, Addison, visit and Javan is a sweetheart. Relief. He loves his baby cousin so much that he will even share his Grammy with her. That’s saying a lot.

– My husband’s brother and his wife and four children visit, and Javan is still a sweetheart. He does so well with his cousins it always knocks the breath out of me. How can he be so sweet and loving and happy and communicative and present with them and not with other kids?

-On Christmas Day, he is so excited about giving us the gifts he wrapped for us that he absolutely refuses to touch his own gifts before giving us our own.

– We start school back up. I abandon the computer schooling because it just stopped working. Why, I don’t know. But it did. I am so afraid of his reaction to “paper school” because he reacted SO negatively to it in August that I tucked it away. Until now. He knocks my socks off. He does AMAZING! Not just the first day, either. I’m talking two straight weeks of wonderful school days. Yes we backed the curriculum up nearly to the beginning of the school year, but we’re doing two days at a time and most importantly he’s GETTING it and he’s actually feeling successful!

-He scares the bajeezers out of his Dad and I in Wal-Mart, when he insists that our cart is on fire…the one he was supposed to be sitting in. Because we still have to sit him in one or he’ll be all over the place. It’s kind of awesome. Only not. Anyways, so yeah, we were all like, “Whatever, Javan. You just don’t want to sit in the cart like we told you to” and we put him in the cart. He screams bloody murder, “OW! OW, IT’S BURNING ME! IT’S BURNING MY BARE BOTTOM!” And tears streaming all down his face. He isn’t acting. I pull him out of the cart and hold him to me and just look over his shoulder at my husband. Our eyes meet and we are instantly both more terrified that we weren’t the only one who thought that was real. We had planned on shopping the clearance aisle, a favorite spot of ours just after Christmas. Javan was so excited about that! I was pretty sure I didn’t care any more. I just wanted to get out of there fast. He couldn’t understand why, WHY couldn’t we shop for clearance toys? I finally snapped and said, “Because you can’t tell if you’re on fire or not, and Mommy’s not okay with that.” Oh, how I wish I hadn’t said that. From that moment on, it was just “pretend.” He didn’t really see or feel fire. He just made it up.

-Javan receives a gift of a DIY robot kit where you use things from around the house and make them into robots. He becomes obsessed with robots. I’m thinking this is something we can use. Something we can build on to give him a foundation of knowledge that he will most likely need in the future. If that future is one in robotics, fantastic. If this is just a phase, still fantastic. He’ll be learning about electronics and computers and you know that information will come in handy in twenty years.

-Not only does Javan become more and more involved in his own created worlds based on whatever cartoon or movie he’s seen recently, especially if one of the characters is a beautiful girl, but he becomes obsessed and constantly, constantly insistent that he have a costume. Whatever costume he thinks he needs that day is absolutely the most imperative item on our to-do list. If I hear another word about costumes I will combust. Not spontaneously, either. No, I have actual plans to combust the very next time I hear a whiny plea for a costume that is impossible to make first thing in the morning before I’ve emptied my bladder, even!

-It is next to impossible to gain Javan’s attention long enough to teach him anything in school. I’m trying so, so hard to get him to look at the word on the page. Look at the word. Look at the word, Javan. Look at the word. What am I pointing at? Javan. Javan. LOOK AT THE FREAKING WORD! Wow, yep, I really yelled that loudly at him. He then quotes the Proverb we’ve been learning. Proverbs 29:11 “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.” Still with raised voice I say, “I know! But you’re frustrating me so badly because you will not look at this word. You’re making me be FOOLISH!” He looked at me with such sweetness and said, “You’re not a fool, Mom.” Then he quietly walked to the table, sat down, and read the word. Well, don’t I feel like dirt? Some days I just don’t know who or what I am. I just get through it the best I can.

-We have an appointment with the psychiatrist. I am so nervous because of the Walmart hallucination. We’ve talked about possible schizophrenia and I’m afraid I will hear something like, “Well, that confirms it. Childhood schizophrenia. I’m afraid it only gets worse from here.” I feel so, so, SO much better after leaving the office. The doctor is indeed perplexed by my son and by the hallucination/pretend fire, but he doesn’t lose hope. And he doesn’t say the word schizophrenia once. He says Javan could have really believed the cart was on fire. He could also have seen a static spark off  part of the cart. Those things really do shock a lot. Or a bright light glinting off of it a certain way. Well, I hadn’t thought of that possibility.

He ALSO points out some really positive changes he sees in Javan. Javan has been seeing him for a year and a half, two years, somewhere in there, and he said this is the FIRST time he has felt that Javan was interacting with and connecting with him as a human being. He said he usually feels like Javan treats him sort of like a piece of furniture in the room, which I can see…he’s usually up in his space, under the desk messing with his feet or legs or picking through the trash can under there or messing with the desk drawers. This time the doctor said Javan seemed really present.  Being present in reality has become a real big issue for us.

He did, however, also notice Javan’s EXTREME hyperactivity. The child never stops moving. Never stops talkingEven when he runs out of words, he just makes sounds and sounds and sounds, ugh. And he also noticed and shared our concerns over Javan’s rapid weight gain since we upped his Risperdahl. I did a BMI calculation and it said he was “obese.” Psshhh, I don’t really think he’s obese, but we can see the belly becoming more pronounced. At this point the doctor drops his head into his hands folded on the desk, and says, “You are really, really not going to like what I have to say now.” Um, yipes? “I think we should try him on stimulants again. It’s been over a year since we’ve tried one. It would slow him down and also curb his appetite so he could maintain the positive effects of the Risperdahl while contradicting the negatives.” He’s right. Man, I didn’t want to hear that. Because stimulant ADD medicines, in past trials, have made my son aaaaannnnggggrrrrryyyy and mean…sort of like the Hulk. Only slightly less incredible. So, yeah, the hubs is out of town for a few days. We’ll do the stimulant trial after he returns. Dear God, save us all.

-For the first time, I am actually proud that my son lied to me. He lies all the freakin’ time, but usually I, you know, don’t like it and stuff. My child sits down to dinner tonight and declars it delicious, even eats several hearty bites of it before announcing himself full and asking to be excused. Later, when he is again hungry, I offer him his dinner plate once more, and he says he didn’t really like it. I am perplexed. He then tells me that he was just tricking me…he sort of looks worried that this was a naughty thing to do, until I say, “You mean, you were just trying to be polite?” Yep, that’s the one! He was trying to be polite! He thought of someone else before himself!

-All in all, I’d say the big picture is looking good. He’s not doing as well right now as he was during the blessed month of December. He’s so terribly unfocused and difficult to teach or even talk to. Because saying a sentence requires him to be undistracted for seven seconds. It also requires him to be quiet for that long. Sheesh! But I remind myself that those are SMALL picture annoyances. The small picture right now is frustrating. The big picture looks bright. I’d say that’s a good trade-off.

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