I Don’t Wanna

I don’t wanna. That’s pretty much the attitude I had when the psychiatrist suggested adding in a new mood stabilizer  with his current one and eventually weaning off of the one he’s on now. We’ve seen such improvement on this medicine. Long-term improvement. His social skills have improved tremendously, especially with other children. His communication has cleared, his thought process are more linear, he has fewer meltdowns, I have fewer meltdowns. It’s just been good. Not perfect, but that’s not my goal. Good is good.

I asked a lot of questions about the new med. A LOT. And eventually, we decided to leave his meds the way they are for now, and see how it goes until our next visit. Which is in 4 months. I never imagined we’d be able to go that long between appointments. Last year we were on a 2 week appointment schedule, nothing was working, and we usually were in every week anyway with emergency visits. Now we’re going 4 months for routine checkups? Well, I’d say that’s major improvement.

The doctor also recommended a sleep aid that can have behavioral benefits as well. We decided to try melatonin first. So I need to start that. I’m just so hesitant to change anything right now. I’m afraid if I screw this up, we’ll never get this level of normalcy back. The psychiatrist did point out that I’m thinking of the “right here, right now” and he’s thinking more in terms of the future. This is probably true.

In the last few weeks to a month, we’ve seen changes in Javan that point to mania. The sleep aid is because his average amount of sleep has dropped 2 hours and become much more interrupted than it has been. The doctor said that if we’re looking at true bipolar disorder, controlling his sleep is the number one factor I should focus on to maintain stability. If the sleep goes, stability goes with it. Manic traits we’re currently seeing an increase in also include defiance, grandiose ideas and plans, and hypersexuality.

Let’s talk about that last one for a moment. Yes, it is a major concern, but it is a common hallmark of manic episodes for many bipolar sufferers. Last year when he was much, much more manic than he is now, so his last manic episode, his hypersexuality was very much in the form of actions. Of not understanding boundaries of touching and looking. This year, it’s more in the form of thoughts and almost actions, but you can see him hold himself back because he realizes it’s inappropriate and unacceptable. HE REALIZES IT’S INAPPROPRIATE AND UNACCEPTABLE. That’s huge, ya’ll. He’s getting it. Social rules, spoken and unspoken, are becoming his rules.

Grandiose ideas and plans, what are those? Well, that’s when he makes impossible plans on the spur of the moment and then refuses to hear of anything else until his project or plan is complete. Such as? Such as building a two-man airplane on boys’ night in. None of the other normally exciting activities suggested were even considered. They were all tossed aside as insignificant next to his grand plans of the aircraft. He plans materials, strategies, time frames, all of it. Building robots is also a favorite plan. Not the cute little table-top ones either. Full-sized anamotronic humanoid robots. And yes, he does know what all those fancy words mean, even if spell-check doesn’t.

Still, these things don’t add up to a medication change in my view. At least not yet. Not when things are so doable. Not when three hours a day for a whole week of VBS was successful for the most part. Not when focusing on schoolwork is possible, even with tons of challenges. Not when socializing with friends is possible. And when wanting friends is a reality. I need those things. He needs those things. Could a medicine change make those things better? Yep. Could it make them worse? With a certainty. Like I said, I just don’t wanna.


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