Freeing the Angel

I’m on full on freak out mode. Nothing is working. The notes Javan has been coming home from school with these last weeks are absolutely terrifying. He is being brutallaly aggressive towards his teachers. He’s not getting much work done. They even decreased his school day by an hour, so now he’s gone from home for a total of 3 hours,  with just over 2 hours of that actually being in the school building. The rest is bus time.

Getting him on the bus every morning is a joke. As soon as it’s time to get ready for the bus, he turns aggressive on me. Up until that point every morning, he’s a complete angel. He doesn’t fight about getting dressed or taking medicines. He is happy and sweet. And then he’s not. Thinking about getting on the bus puts him in extreme fight or flight mode, and we all know he defaults to fight. He’s hitting, kicking, biting, scratching, throwing whatever he can get his hands on.  Big things. Things that would actually do damage if they made contact with my face. This morning that included a toy ship, a balance board, and a heavy shoe. Luckily, I dodged them all.

I shoved him to the floor (safely) and sat on him in a hold position until I thought he’d calmed down a little. I manhandled him out the door and tried to get him to wait sitting on the sidewalk for the bus. Instead, I ended up chasing him halfway around the block in shoes that I’d hastily slipped on without socks. And dragging him all the way home by locking his arm uncomfortably with my own arms. Dad was home sick this morning, and he helped put Javan unwillingly onto the bus and buckle him up. All while he was biting and hitting his aide.

And now I’m sure he’s at school unleashing his fury on his teachers. Nothing about this is working anymore. He’ll be fine once he gets home. He’ll revert back to his normal sweet loving self for the rest of the day. But I don’t know how to make school work. I can’t keep doing this every morning. I’m emotionally and physically beat. Do I just keep doing this until a serious injury occurs? And then what?

But I literally see no options. I wasn’t able to homeschool him at all this school year because homeschool set off these same fight or flight reactions. It was too dangerous. It was landing him in the hospital. Now I feel like we’re approaching that point with public school too. This isn’t working. Not through any fault of his teachers. No, they are beyond amazing. If anyone could make this work, it’d be them. But it’s still not working.

I’m defeated. I’m terrified. I fear I’m on the verge of losing him to a life of hospital imprisonment. But I don’t know how to free him.

At the last meeting we had with Mrs. Teacher, Mrs. Principal, and Mrs. Angel (the special education coordinator), Mrs. Angel gave me this quote of hope from Michelangelo:

“I saw an angel in the marble and carved until he was free.”

That’s how she sees my Javan. How they all see him.  They see him in there and he is so sweet and good and worthy and they’re carving for all they’re worth. As are we, his parents and family.

We’re carving, Baby. We’re trying to free you. We’ll never stop carving until you are free.

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